Pieta Zollo Semmler Tributes, Condolences & Bereavement

What is in my heart ........... anniversaries 2009 / Mamma Always Loving You All Precious Angels

An Open Letter to the Bereaved ..........

Loosing one loved one is devastating, two or more even many years apart is very "compounded" grief ............... not surprisingly you are not sure what to say/ or sure of yourself for your mind is trying to come to grips with all this - well most people go through shock, which 'protects' their mind from not being able to cope with such trauma.
Its common for six months, a year or even longer for the grief to suddenly 'hit' you and it be so overwhelming when you thought that you were doing ok.

Its also normal for grief to come in 'waves', that is you will think that you are doing 'better' not so sad and then you may even be crying more, missing more, angry more and every emotion under the sun, one at a time or a combination and then it may subside. This is normal too. Then you may get the 'wave' again.

For me knowing that the 'waves' are normal, and that they may come again with different frequency and intensity help me to be not so overwhelmed, frightened and confused. Though I still often feel these things, I can recognise that it is the 'wave' and I will be ok.

Be ok even though you think you may never survive and wonder how you will go on especially if you have young children to raise. It is the hardest thing, you need to grieve, but you also need to raise your other children.
Dont be afraid of letting your other children see your grief. It actaully helps children to know its ok to have those feelings and to express them. That way they know that what are feeling is normal too.

I hope sharing a lil of my expereince may help. I lost my brother as a young child, and we never had grief counselling. We did our best as a family but many years ago they didnt know how important it was. After I lost my babies in pregnancy my brother's grief (re)surfaced.
The thing that I know now, is even if I had had some 'help' as a child I would still have my 'waves' but possibly without having to process from a childs understanding what my feelings were at the time.

I know that my grief was delayed at other times because I had one, two and then three other children to care for. Out of necessioty you have to get on with life, but the grief is always waiting for you. I managed this especially in the early days to set aside a certain amount of time each day to 'grieve'. Ths helps somewhat to be able to be focused when you need to be and also have an outlet for your bereavement.
Having said all that the last 2 years I havent manged to do that at all, for lots of reasons including issues with my children's health.

Sometimes we just have to muddle along and do the best that we can do. Above all look after your own physical and mental health, because when your as healthy as you can be 'surviving' grief is a lil easier.
Again, I havent managed my health the best - so we do what we can manage. I cry when I need to, in public, whatever. Sometimes I can hold it in for a lil while if Im dealing with people that would make obvious judgement and comment, becuase I know in my fragile state I would go down more even quicker.

The thing is we are all different, and even with the same loss, we will feel different, react different etc. And you know its all right. That is whatever your heart says is right.
Two major things that have 'helped' - I say that because you know, for me anyway, you just survive, you never get over it -

1. Do things that for you honour and keep their memory alive and close to your heart.

I pour out my soul in writing, I attend memorials, I 'celebrate' birthdays and anniversaries, with cakes and balloons to heaven. This makes me cry, but it also made me bond and share my grief particularly with family.

2. Find a support goup that you can share your feelings with people that have similar expereinces and loss.

I joined two at different times. One that was particular to pregnancy loss, and also TCF - The Compassionate Friends - as the pregancy loss group couldnt understand the imapct of my brothers death.

- well you will smile one day and feel blessed, joy etc., the memories of your loved ones will bring tears and laughter, that is you will have and feel life, but I say for me never get over because unless you can erase the memories of your loved ones from your mind you will always miss them.

And that sadly is grief.

Sending many wishes of comfort, know that Im sending caring thoughts your way.
I am just writing from the heart unedited.

Blessings, Maria.

P.S. I have always, always felt blessed - blessed to me is knowing you are loved. Dont let ignorant attitudes, comments let you think for a minute that you cant feel joy and pain together. You are not weak, morbid or "stuck" in the past for treasuring the memories of those who have loved you.