AngelBabys. 






Their story begins in November 2000,
when we lost our second child,
Amore.



At nine weeks I started to bleed and on advice from my Ob
I went straight to the Women’s and Children’s Hospital.

An ultrasound revealed that the baby was alive,
I was advised to go home and rest and then it was
just wait & see if the bleeding stopped.


After a day or so the bleeding did subside,
but then the cramping increased and
I started bleeding heavily.

I lost Amore in the WCH emergency department -
the nurse had stepped out
and my husband was parking the car.

I had retained some ‘products’ and
went to theatre for a D&C.


I saw my baby, Amore, and gave her a blessing.

My husband and I cried together and
I guess because I was soon pregnant again
I felt I was healed.

I received cards and flowers from family and friends
and was fortunate to have a wonderful lady
(from church now a dear friend)
perform a memorial for us in our home.


I also remember what my Ob said to me on the way to theatre,
“Maria, you will be back having a baby again”
and later in his rooms,
“Most women if they persevere
(not withstanding other medical issues) usually
have the number of children they want.“

I found comfort in those words
and strength to follow through on
my tenacious character.





Naively perhaps, I never considered I would grieve the loss of a baby again.


So our second loss of our third child,
Cara,
three months later was a total shock and
a complete devastation to me.


I had survived any lingering guilt from the first time
only to really beat myself up the second.

It is natural to want answers and to feel guilt
that somehow you have caused the loss.
This is especially so if there are no answers,
as often is the case.

I certainly felt what I think many women experience;
that my body let me down.
I was unable to complete a function
I was biologically designed to do, but more than that
I couldn’t fulfill my first responsibility as a parent
to bring our children safely into this world. 







Unfortunately it is true that
the expectation of others as to the measure of your grief
does impact on if and how you
allow yourself to grieve.


Well-meant and well-intentioned comments,
from family, friends and professionals
(who usually have no experience of your situation)
can cause lasting effects on you
if not challenged.

“It’s better it happened now than later”,
“It’s natures way of getting rid of an abnormality”,
“Well at least you have one child”,
“It’s so common”,
“It’s not a baby, it’s not even a fetus”,
“Maybe it’s God’s way of telling you are only meant to have one”,
and “It’s not as bad this time, just like a heavy period”.

What I find most hurtful about these sorts of comments is
that all of a sudden anyone and everyone becomes an
expert on your life, on God and
on how you are meant to deal with the situation.

Pet lovers would be deeply offended
if you said to the passing of their cat,
“Thank God you still have a dog."
Many would likewise be horrified if you offered,
as sympathy to the passing of their mother,
"Thank God you still have your dad!" -
or to suggest that you could replace them,
or you knew God’s plan for them when
they are struggling with
just missing their loved one.

Of course they do not know the pain they are
causing by offering these platitudes.








Seventeen months after our fourth beautiful baby was born,
( our second earth angel )
we lost our fifth child,
Teressa.  


This time the bleeding persisted consistently
for more than a week until blood tests revealed hCG levels
unable to sustain a pregnancy.

Living away interstate for my husbands work,
for a short while I suppressed my feelings,
but fortunately sought and found help from various sources
to ‘walk’ me through this part of my journey.


Our sincere thanks and appreciation go to:

Sids and Kids Northern Territory http://www.sidsandkids.org/nt ,
Cradle NT Inc. http://www.cradle.org.au and
Chaplaincy Department of The Royal Darwin Hospital
http://www.royaldarwinhospital.nt.gov.au/.







I allowed myself the space and time to grieve.

I had lost my immunity to Ruebella and needed to wait
at least three months before conceiving again.


Becoming pregnant again almost immediately after the three months
was a panacea to my grief, but it also caused a lot of
my past anxieties to re-surface.

There was the non-expressed but underlying fear
that when I would go to the toilet I would discover bleeding.


Because all my previous losses were in the first trimester,
once I passed the 13-week mark I began to relax –
only to start bleeding in a lingerie shop
whilst purchasing a maternity bra.

An ultrasound revealed a beating heart -
"my baby is alive!" and
my bleeding subsided in a few days.
I had another ultrasound and all seemed fine
and I was due to return ‘home’
for my first Ob visit in a few days.


My first visit went great and
I really believed I got to ‘keep’ this one –
three in heaven three on earth,
that’s fair.


At my next monthly visit
no heartbeat was found.






My doctor was brilliant,
he was so gentle in his understanding of my situation
and walked me through step by step,
beginning with telling me that
there was no way I could have done anything
to cause or to prevent
this tragedy from happening.






The following day, 12 January 2005,
I was in the WCH preparing
to deliver my
dead baby.


I was really scared,
but so far removed from my feelings due to shock,
that I acted in an almost lifeless
and emotionless way.

I had never been in labour before,
my two ‘live' girls were delivered by cesarean;
the medical staff had no idea how long the ‘procedure’ would take
and because of my previous cesareans I was at increased
risk of my uterus rupturing.

I had trouble signing the consent form,
I had so many questions that could not be definitively answered
and the fact that the ‘procedure’ was described as
causing the pregnancy to terminate
had me very distressed.

"What if they were wrong?,
What if my baby was still alive?"

These feelings I suppressed until the following day
when I finally had the courage to
confide to one of my nurses.


Still it was a long time before all the reassurances convinced me
I had done nothing ‘wrong’ and could not have prevented
the death of our beautiful baby girl,

Pieta.







An autopsy revealed
no abnormalities with her,
but I tested positive for thrombophillia.


The hospital Social Worker and Chaplain were brilliant
in helping us organize a burial service -
mostly private.


I was blest to see my husband
for the first time express feelings that
were common to me surrounding our
pregnancy losses.

This drew us closer together.







Our deepest gratitude
and thanks to:

The Women's and Children's Hospital
http://www.wch.sa.gov.au/
especially the Maternity, Social Work,
Chaplaincy and Histology
departments.


Heartfelt thanks is also extended to:

SANDS(SA) (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Support)
http://www.geocities.com/sandssouth/

The Teddy Love Club
http://www.teddyloveclub.org.au/

SA Folk Artists Guild Memory Box Artist Programme
http://www.teraleigh.com/memoryboxes/ ;

the gorgeous people who sewed, smocked & knitted
quilts, gowns and layettes,

and Bonnie Babes Foundation
http://www.bbf.org.au .






My seventh pregnancy
has been extraordinarily difficult -
emotionally, physically
and medically.



I have learned that you need to
really discern where you can safely
place your feelings.

The best places I have found are:
in writing, in prayer and
at SANDS meetings.

Not only has writing my story been great
it has given me the opportunity to
express myself uninterrupted & have others give
a thoughtful and considered response.

In prayer I know GOD is with me;
I get to release my burdens, feel secure in
knowing that I am loved unconditionally
and my children are
happy. 





My sincere thanks go to GOD,
to my family & friends,
to all the wonderful volunteers
from the support organisations listed above,
my Doctors & Health care providers,
and my extreme appreciation goes to all of the parents
who have patiently listened to and shared their stories
for being a safe place to reveal
my deepest pain and blackest fears.


In loving memory of all our loved ones,
Maria.






Copyright Maria Zollo October 2005.
All rights reserved. 

















Post Script 





In December 2005 -

we welcomed our seventh beautiful baby,
a third earth angel
into our family!